Want and Need
by Prose Vanity
Summary: He turned around and watched her walking into the sun ahead of the forest and then, without so much as a warning, he ran into the rain, deeper into the heart of the forest. He was holding up just fine, because she gave him something to live for.


**Ashy-note **I thought about putting this in _Musings (Babbling, Bumbling Babboons) _but then I changed my mind because I just loooooove Hayate and I think this needs more attention and exposure. I have always wanted to read something about a serious Matsudaira, not just the quirky, insane one.

Some reference to _Between Animals and the Wind_ and _The Imaismic Effect. _Inspired by This Pen is Red's _The Reasons Why. _It would also help if you listened to the chorus of "Steep" by Lauren Christy, it gave a lot for the ending.

_Dedicated to __**Maria**__, because I'll be stubborn and still think you deserve every single stinkin' word; and to __**Stalker**__, because I miss you and I think you'll like this much-much. (:_

-:|:-

**Want and Need**

* * *

The rain was scalding to the skin of the two people standing underneath the downpour of September rain, each measuring the other, their emotions as naked as the raw, pulsing power that suddenly sprung up between them, laid out in front of them, opened far out for the world to see. The wind was roaring all around them, in response to the tumultuous spinning of sensations he felt.

Inside he smirked at the situation he got himself in. _What have I done this time?_

It seemed he had a knack for finding the most hurtful things in life.

_Maybe I'm a big-time masochist, like Sasuke or Allen or Syaoran or Lelouch… _he smiled wanly at himself.

He was never in on this kind of stuff. Mostly all of his interests went to missions and the few specks of rabbits that he used to buy himself some decent read, because quite obviously Hayate Matsudaira had never been one for serious things. He wasn't such a maniac for things he'd come to think of as nonsense and when he thinks it _is_ nonsense, it stays as nonsense for the rest of his life. Or at least until he gets over its initial impression to him.

But as the old saying goes, "To every rule, there is an exception."

And Hayate Matsudaira wasn't an exception, because he definitely let in something he had filed under the "Superbly Superficial and Nonsensical" cabinet.

_Love._

Everybody knew he liked her, because she had the best first impressions anybody ever had for him. She was the exact image of the only remaining childhood memorabilia he'd ever copped up in the depths of his brain, the only reminder that he did exist long ago…

She made him feel something different again, and that led to the roller-coaster sort of crush fest that he had cherished for the inventor for years.

But lately, all those midnight escapades of watching her, looking at her, staring at her and watching her sleep… well, they were turning into something else.

It was impossible to keep himself from falling heels over head, not when he had seen every possible thing that there was and there could be about her.

So many things nobody ever even knew about…

Nobody knew.

_Nobody_ that ever knew managed to live afterwards.

Because no one understood, so no one knew.

Nobody knew how much he loved her — because even he had to take some time for himself to know that he was already at the point of no return and that he had to acknowledge it before he started doing stupider things, because heaven knows all his actions in the past would be countless and very embarrassing indeed. (An image of a chicken popped into his head.)

And that understanding, that acknowledgement, came with the increased passionate respect for the Fire, because only then did Hayate know how it felt like to have something to live for, if only a little bit.

He was feeling, understanding what Natsume felt for Mikan.

He was feeling—_feeling_, actually _feeling_ something for once in his life.

It took his every strength to walk up to her that afternoon and tell her the truth, after a wild goose chase around the academy grounds, that led them to where they were now, inside the depths of Northern Forest, dripping wet with the rain that was sloshing around them both, courtesy of his Alice.

It was harder than the hardest mission he'd ever had to do for the Academy. Everything went haywire, his words got stuck, his mind froze, his breathing stopped functioning properly, his eyes became unfocused.

It was normal, he said to himself, arguing with his ego. Because in a way it was true; he had justifications (of course he always had justifications).

Because when she looked at him right at that moment, for once taking him seriously and not as just some demented fan boy, he felt the explosion deep within him that took place when her eyes stared into his and a small, sad smile crossed her face.

Or, well… at least it _looked_ like a smile.

And anything that resembles a smile, if it comes from Hotaru Imai, was enough to make him happy. Happy enough to go tap-dancing during the Alice Festival. Happy enough to do a cartwheel all over the forest. Happy enough to actually smile a genuine smile.

Because after all this time, after four years, he had finally come in terms with the longing that he felt inside of him that grew, from the single shallow prokaryote that was a _crush_, to something much more deep, much more complicated.

It grew, slowly but surely and definitely unnervingly.

From a crush.

To admiration.

To obsession.

"I love you," he said to her, in the smallest of all voices. "I love you, and I'm serious."

To love.

It was obvious in the tone of his voice that he did mean those words—

—And it was agony, those seconds that ticked by while he waited for her rejection.

Because of _course_, he knew he was in for the dumps. He knew he wasn't about to get lucky.

Simply because she had Nogi.

And him? He had visions of them, dreams of them, for once a sliver of _hope_ in his system about them coming to life, but somehow, he had already learned that even if he wished upon every single star that fell from the sky, it was nothing more than that. It would never be anything like that.

It was _nothing_.

Nothing more than wants… evolving into needs that could never be quenched, and his heart was long since parched with it, but he had learned to live with the thirst.

There was only one wish he had left in his system: he hoped Nogi knew what a lucky man he was.

"I love you, Hotaru Imai."

The first time he called her by her real name…

The name felt like satin to his lips…

Standing in front of him, Hotaru Imai mumbled in her faint voice the truth of everything she held inside, concealed and unknown… and even though it was as faint as a whisper, the wind spoke to him as clearly as anything else.

His heart contracted, expounded, with every word she uttered. He could only look at her.

_So this is what love feels like._

Every word was like a shard of glass to being shoved right through his skin.

"You see, I want to believe you," she began. The wispy voice was clear as crystal to him. "I want to believe in everything you said, I want to believe you love me, and that for a moment you care for me, see me completely as I am."

He stared, keeping his face as emotionless as possible despite seeing how she looked so bare and vulnerable to him.

There was a shadow of a tear in her eyes. Or was it just the work of the teasing light? Didn't matter. Again there was the sudden punch to the gut—he wanted to hold her, _feel_ her, at least get to breathe her in and commit the wonderful smell to his memory for him to keep until the day comes that he gets killed by his Alice or his missions…

"I want to, but I don't."

The air he controlled, the air that obeyed his every will, betrayed him and left his lungs completely at those words, leaving him panting like he had run a mile.

His eyes bore onto hers, never wavering, and yet his mind was screaming for a release from the grip of those purple eyes that held his own ones captive. Just like how its owner had shackled his heart shamelessly, bound it to hers eternally, most probably.

She went on, he listened. "I never could have in the first place, not when you saw me for someone I wasn't. I was no more than a character in a fairy tale for you. Tell me, if I didn't own this face, would you ever have recognized me? Would you even have looked my way?"

His chest heaved, his heart squeezed tight against his rib cage.

The answer was right there, in the air, fluttering above them. "No."

He felt ashamed, because she was right… his reasons for loving her were shallow.

But he loved her, isn't that what was supposed to matter after all? He _loved_ her!

But she didn't love him back…

His eyes burned and he grunted to hold back the threat of tears. _You don't cry, you never cried, and you never _will_ cry, you hear me, you idiot? Stop this at once, Hayate!_

He lifted his head and she smiled, then his world stopped when she stepped up to him to embrace him.

His hands were involuntarily driven to cradle her body against his, savoring her warmth under the cold, cold rain that fell around them like curtains. The wind was spinning around them both, caging them in what was a tornado of wind and water that was benign, innocent, and caused no damage to the surroundings… just like the Hayate that came over him at that moment.

He felt like a normal person again, not a murderer, not a killer. Just a normal kid who fell in love with the one person he could never have.

He didn't even let her go for a second. Instead he buried his head on her neck, taking in her smell of freesia and jasmines, the intelligence that shone off her pale skin…

_At least I get to have one wish come true._

He smiled through the unconsciously falling tears.

_This is more than enough._

She broke free from the embrace and planted a wet kiss on his forehead. He closed his eyes against the feel of her lips pressed against his skin.

Half of him rejoiced. Half of him screamed at the pain.

"You deserve so much more," she said to him, still in that whispery voice, "than someone like me."

She turned around and began walking away, but not before he heard her say, "Thank you, Hayate."

_No, thank _you_._

He turned around and watched her walking into the sun ahead of the forest and then, without so much as a warning, he ran into the rain, deeper and deeper into the heart of the forest.

The tears were gone. His heart was in pieces but he was holding up just fine.

"Thank you, Hotaru," he said to the wind, hoping it brings her the message.

_Thank you for giving me something to live for._

* * *

_I love Hayate; and just like in _Welcome Home_, I hope I just helped you like one more character in the GA Fandom._

_~Ash._


End file.
